A whole lotta nothin'

So here is a bit of steam-of-consciousness-ish writing, although I'm not sure typing is the best medium for this form of writing but whatever....so went over to my mom's apartment yesterday night after a sucky-ass Friday, she told me she has been reading my blog everyday at work, and she wants to start her own blog only she wants to call it a glop or a blob, not a blog, cause she wants to be different. I told her it would be a blog regardless of what she wants to call it, and she said no, she wouldn't think of it that way, but rather a blot or a glob. When I told her that she was weird and this idea made no sense, she proceeded to argue with me, therefor clearly missing the point of a web-log....i.e. a blog. Then she smoked some pot because she had a headache and decided in a high mania she would concoct something with honey and oatmeal and butter to ease my craving for chocolate that if I did not mention earlier, I was having, as only a sucky-ass Friday like that one could produce...given the fact that my mother is a healthfood nut and keeps nothing on hand but blackstrap mollases and flax seed, this was all she could come up with...which was sweet of her, but as you can imagine, totally unsatisfying if what you are craving is chocolate. Anyway, then we flipped through the channels on TV and landed on the Christian channel, where a TV evangelist was doing an interview, I asked that we change the channel, not because I am shunning God, but simply because it is boring, and frankly it is bad enough that I am watching basic cable and eating oatmeal prepared by my high-as-a-kite mother on a Friday night...Not understanding the depressing state of the evening she argued that I watch the program for "just a little while", which made me pull my jean jacket back on and high tail it...so now it is Saturday and obviously given the fact that it is 10:30pm and I am rambling onto a computer keyboard, my weekend is not progressing whatsoever...flat broke. Can't afford to rent a movie, much less go to one or anything else for that matter. PMSing like a m&*%er f&!#er to boot. Hey is anyone reading this here blog anyway!?!?!?

the blues

I am desperately, hopelessly broke. It is going to be a housecleaning, video-renting, toenail-polishing, no-driving-the-car weekend!

I'm feelin' needy all over

My sore back needs a backrub
My mind needs some deep sleep
My eyes need a good cry
My hands need another's
My soul needs a mate
My body needs some exercise 'cause
...My metobolism needs some revving
My wallet needs some padding
My heart needs true love
And my spirit needs a hearty laugh

I enjoy being a girl...

Just wanted to share with everyone my blog-on-the-side that I have started. It is the place where I can share my less deep and meaningful thoughts and be well...kind of shallow. In a good way of course :) Boys, make-up, clothes...kind of girly, fun stuff. Lots of greats pictures for the ladies!!! Feast your eyes... ( just click on the title of this post)

My # 1 Drug

I have a love/hate relationship with food. I love it and it is not very fond of me.

After 17 days cigarette-free I am realizing that there is one addiction that may be harder for me to quit, and that is food. You may say..."Quit food, you shouldn't quit food altogether, you just have to eat the right food". And therein my friends, lies the core of the problem. I don't like the "right" food. I like carbs, make that, I love carbs. I am thinking of inventing an ALL- carb, all-the-time diet. Oh and fat. Saturated, unsaturated, whatever...I like it all.

So you may say, "You don't have to give up all of that food. Moderation is the key." And while that sounds great, my body doesn't want to hear it. Example: At a recent potluck my tastebuds reason that there is a very real and horrifying possibility that I may never taste an artichoke quiche quite as wonderful as this one, so for posterity I must have seconds. Or, I skip breakfast and lunch, and tell myself when I come home, that a pint of Ben and Jerry's will even out the lost calories.

******

Okay, so maybe I am trying to be funny here. But, do not be mistaken, the above examples represent real moments of weakness. And, while that may be fine, once and a long while...it seems to be a frequent frame of mind for me.

I remember being a kid, seeing a really heavy person and wondering how they could let it get that bad. And now I know, because that is me, or at least it will be if I am not careful. I am skating on thin ice, and that is a scary place to be standing when you are overweight.

I am starting to realize that in the last 20 lbs. I went from feeling like I could still be sexy to, well generally not feeling sexy, or even attractive, period. I think it has been easier for me to quit smoking because I can avoid it. I don't need cigarettes to sustain me...I do need food, and therefore my temptation will always be there lingering, tempting me with seconds.

I guess I realize that I am going to have to be stronger than it. I can't expect to change my life completely overnight, or even in one month. My success with smoking, or rather, not smoking has been something I can start to be proud of. The more I don't smoke the more I believe I can keep on not-smoking and the more I want to prove it. And if I can quit smoking, I can do this too. Food is just the next addiction for me to overcome. I just wish it didn't taste so good.

Something pretty to share...no, not another boy!

Okay...so I am weird, but I like to share things like this. I love peacocks. I think they are totally amazing creatures. And I have been thinking of something for a tattoo, because I think this is the year I need to get myself a real symbolic reminder of this season in my life....

Anyway...I stumbled across this picture while looking for pictures of peacocks. I had no idea that these birds could be completely white, but wow is this gorgeous or what? It looks like a snowflake...I thought it was beautiful and wanted to share. Enjoy! (and NO...I am not getting a peacock tattooed on my ass...no worries.)

Someday my prince will come...

Two, two, two blogs in one. Yes, it is my second post of the evening. I have something more on my mind tonight. My mom and I just came back from Seattle and spent the trip there and back talking. Our car talks are long, life planning, philosophical, spiritual talks and this was no different. One of the key topics of our conversations is my love life...me be-moaning the fact that I have none, and my mom trying to give me motherly advice in that area. My mom is ultra supportive, always telling me I'm beautiful, talented and that she envisions a wonderful life for me one day that includes a wonderful husband and "the works".

So we were talking and one of us mentioned my best friend Jana, who is kind of my perfect "example" of someone almost exactly my age, who is one half of a beautiful, happy marriage. Jana and her husband Shaun have been together for quite a few years now and have had their ups and downs, but I am always singing their praises, because it seems like through trial and error they have a kind of marriage I can only hope for someday. I am blessed to watch them and it gives me hope that good relationships do exist.

Anyway, so we are talking, and for once my mom says something like, " Well maybe we can't always hope for a deep romantic love like Jana and Shaun have, maybe it is enough to hope for a marriage that is mostly satisfying, even if it is not fireworks and passion. Things can always grow in time". I was kind of stunned, and I nodded and agreed. Now, I have to come to my mother's defense, I think she was talking out of not knowing what to say, and also out of her own disappointments. And to be completely fair she is always telling me that I will have that "fireworks" kind of love someday. I think she was just kind of throwing that out there for once. And for a second, a brief second, I thought...well maybe that would be enough.

I had a "vision" on Monday though, not a real vision as in a premonition, just this feeling that I was meant for something more than just "satisfactory". I had a glimpse for a moment of being with someone who totally got me...my sense of humor, my philosophies, and someone I could share all of my thoughts with, someone smart, and talented...a totally head-over-heals kind of love. And it was so clear that it made me feel 100% sure that love like that is meant to be for me. Maybe I just needed someone to tell me that I might have to expect less, to realize that there is so much more to be had.

The best man!

My co-workers were talking about the Golden Globe nominees today and brought up Terrence Howard. Nominated for his role in Hustle & Flow, and starring in movies like Ray and Crash (great movie by the way.) Now if this isn't a fine lookin' man...mmm hmm, I'd like to know who is? You HAVE to see him in The Best Man to understand his undeniable sex appeal. Unfortunately, not enough women know who this beautiful man is...and the few I know that do, like my sister LuLu, just shake their heads, cause they don't get it. But let me tell you what, I would pass up a skinny, white boy anyday for Mr. Howard. *Giggle*

Sick and Tired Tuesday

I am sick for like the 27th day in a row or something ridiculous like that. I'm not sure how long this has gone on by now, but I know I was sick a week or more prior to Christmas. My friend Kyza scolded me several times last week for not having gone to a doctor, and at this point she probably was right, however I hate, hate, hate paying to go to the doctor for a cold or flu and having them send you home with a nothing but a prescription for drinking lots of fluids and getting more sleep. All of which I have been doing in addition to eating virtually no dairy, taking loads of vitamin C and echinacea, gargling with saltwater, taking various cold medicine...etcetera, etcetera. So I stayed home finally yesterday since with the new year comes new sicktime and went to the doctor. He sent me away with thankfully a prescription for actual antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine. And still feverish and stuffy I pushed the envelope and stayed home a second day, because I figure a 4 week cold is worth 2 days of laying in bed being a baby. BUT...for some reason I feel guilty! I always feel guilty when I stay home. Maybe it's because I have been going to work sick for the last month and probably could have dragged myself there and back today. I'm sure I am entitled to stay home when I feel this crappy, but I can't get over that fear of being gone from work. You know what I mean? I think I am going to chug some more cough syrup and pass out for the night...

Overweight+Sexy= What? ....You tell me.

Okay so I NEED responses to this post.

So... I am sick of feeling like being larger than "average-size" is something I have to apologize for or work my way into a conversation with a blind-date potential. What am I going on about you ask? Well, here is the scenario...

I am shy. Regardless of my physical attributes, I would be a shy girl. However, given my less than perfect physique, I feel even less secure about being attractive to potential or future dates. So given the combination of the two things. Shy+extra weight= I simply do not date. (That rhymes *smile*, but moving on...) I don't date, and for a good long while I haven't even tried. I have decided to avoid hoping to be attractive to the guys that I happen to find attractive. As friends of mine can attest, I am very unfortunately most often attracted to skinny, white boys. (Just a side note; I am attracted to many shades of beautiful men...so don't think I'm excluding anyone) The point here is the stature of the men, not the skintone. They are always skinny and I, well, er.... am not so skinny. And it seems like the men I usually find myself crushing on never seem to reciprocate. Being underconfident, I then assume this passive-rejection must mean I am not physically their type. Meaning: I assume they think I'm fat.

Now...don't go reading this thinking you are going to cure my 27 year long self image issues, by telling me I'm wrong, or I am a swell girl and this is all nonsense, because...the thing is, I KNOW it is nonsense. At least to a point. I know there are probably guys out there who would be happy to date me, thrilled perhaps. My problem is believing that. And so therein lies my scenario and question for you all:

I actually responded to an ad on Craigslist in the M4W column yesterday. Several of my girlfriends are CL junkies and always responding to or posting their own ads. And they do, actually meet and date people this way sometimes. Even my introverted, more-shy-than-me roommate posted and responded to an ad the other day (after a lot of hypocritical pep-talking from me). So anyway, I responded to this particular ad, not totally intending to let anything come of it when all is said and done. But also hoping that if the post-er of the ad did in fact email me back...I would in the meantime have summoned up the guts to "potentially" meet him at some point. So I wrote him back, trying to be as sweet, charming and honest as I could about myself. He had mentioned some of his physical traits, (sounds like a skinny, white boy, of course)...and I, in turn tried to do the same. I have described myself over the phone before and even online, and I try to leave out the weight thing, but, if I must, I try and use the word "voluptuous" when possible. But, this time I tried to be less alluring. I just said I was on the "thicker" side of the size chart or something to that effect. And it got me thinking.

How should plus-size women describe their plus-size bodies? What is a good word? Roomy, sounds like a luxury sized towncar. Chubby, sounds like you should be wearing a muumuu. Voluptuous, sounds like a fat-girl trying to make her extra weight sound sexy. And overweight just means fat to most people. And as bad as my self-esteem is I never think of myself as fat, even if maybe other people do. SO, HERE IS THE QUESTION: What is a flattering word for women who are bigger? I wouldn't put this much emphasis on calling attention to my weight with a perfect stranger, but it seems that men want to know...how do you look? and they don't just want eye color.

*****

Yes, in the end I realize that someone who cares that much how I look, doesn't really care that much about who I am. And one of my resolutions this year is to not focus so much on my weight and rather spend that time improving and enjoying who I am. But, it is an interesting question nonetheless and one I would be curious to hear answers for...tell me descriptive words you've heard that you think are empowering or flattering, or make a better one up.

Hey by the way...have no desire to smoke at all!! Okay it's only been a couple of days since I tossed my not totally empty pack of cigarettes out of my window while speeding down the road (God will forgive me this once for littering for the sake of symbolism), but no craving at all thus far. Wish me luck, so far so good!

We can be New

I am feeling like the words in this song by Amel Larrieux. It's called "New". She has a song for every mood and a voice a clear as crystal. Her last album Bravebird stirs up a sense of renewal in me. A good one for the new year. Here is a snippet of the track "New"...enjoy, she is a fairly unknown talent, but well worth discovering.

http://www.blisslife.com/mp3s/amel/New.mp3

Welcome in 2006!

I had a great New Years Eve! Went out with a few friends to The Goodfoot Lounge. They had this huge 11 piece band, which was awesome!! Luckily we arrived early so that we could score a good table. Good thing too, because within 10 minutes of our arrival the place was packed, and the people just kept coming. We all toasted with a shot of Jack Daniels to the new (improved, hopefully) year. Then when the band started we headed out to the dance floor. It was so great dancing, shaking the past year off. It was so tightly packed that I was constantly rubbing butts with some random stranger...but, hey it's New Year's only once every 365 days. On my third trip out to the dancefloor two different guys came up and danced with me. One of them introduced himself by leaning over and telling me he thought I was beauty-ful :). How sweet. Just the perfect way to start over!