The endless questions

So. My father died last year on April 13th. Some of you may know the story and some may not. All I know is it doesn't seem like a whole year has passed. I am still not sure what to feel. I'm certainly not writing for the sympathy. I never really knew him and what I knew I hated for so long. But...at the end of it all, I'm left with this numbness. This not knowing if my lifetime of emotions and pain over him was mispent. I wonder if I could have been different, or been healed of the hurt long ago if I had just forgiven him earlier. I don't know...I won't ever. When someone dies and you never had a chance to work out all of the "kinks"...then what. It's like a puzzle with a missing piece you can never have back. There will always be this unanswered question for me. I'm not saying I made the wrong choices. I don't regret who I am or what I have chosen to feel....I know that God, my true and only real father knows my heart. But...sometimes I think if I had adored him and could truly just mourn him it would hurt less.

Moving mishaps and a little good-bye for now

So rewind one week back. I was cheerfully planning my move into my cute new urban studio. I planned to move in this past Monday. My application had been approved, my deposit had been accepted, my moving crew assembled, my utilities changed over and the apartment and my furniture carefully measured. I had been calling the management company for a week (with no call back) to try and set aside a time that I might sign my rental agreement and arrange to get my keys. Then last Wednesday night I received a voicemail telling me that the leasing agent (who by the way no longer works there) that had rented the apartment to me had failed to mention this to the company and they, as a result, had also rented the apartment (MY APARTMENT!!!) to someone else and that, at that very moment there was someone else already living there. And to make matters worse, they simply said, "Ooops sorry, we feel real bad, but you can have your money back." Um...what??

I was devastated, as you can imagine, not just because I fell in love with this place, but because, 2 business days before my impending move, I was told that I had nowhere to move. I cried for like a good hour and then (once I gained my composure) left the most intimidating, infuriated message I could muster on their company voicemail. So...I won't give you the entire story...BUT:

After a lot of hell raising (which, by the way I hate doing, because I really am a nice, peace-loving person) they gave me a deal. I could live in another apartment, at a different complex, for a month rent-free and then they would move me (AGAIN) into a one bedroom apartment at the original complex, for the same price of the studio. I have to be out of my current apartment this week and the reason I can't move to the other complex is because there is nothing available now. And the reason I can't stay at this temporary pad is that it is too expensive, even if they give me a big discount.

It's sad though, cause this new temporary place is fab-u-lous!!! It is so awesome. My heart is going to break when I leave it. It has beautiful hardwoods, a huge kitchen, a fireplace with a built in hutch above, a walk in closet in the bedroom and a full basement, all it's own. It is so friggin nice! But alas...just a quick rest stop in the comedy that is my moving experience.

Anyway...starting tomorrow I will be cable-less and computer-less for a month. So no American Idol and no blogging for me. I will be so sad...I will be having withdrawals. And I will miss my little online community so much! But...I will be exercising instead, so maybe that is just enough time to start up a new good habit. Wish me luck with all of it and I will see you all next month!! Muah...