Love is

Love is cotton-candy sugary-sweet first-kiss
wonderful
It is the smell of first rain after
a hot arid spell
Love is the burning salt tears that
run your mascara
and leave you feeling foolish
Love gets under your skin,
but more than that...it's in your veins
It the drug we all want to be strung out on
Love makes you a begger or a rich man
a wiser man or the fool
Love can make you lie
or be the ultimate truth serum
Love makes you want to be a stronger woman, a better man
It has the power to build castles and kingdoms
and can make the stongest heart crumble
Love exists in birth and in passing
In living and in breath itself
It gives us hope and purpose
happiness. pain.
Love is you and
love is me

In her memory

I wrote these words for my grandmother, Charlotte Van Niekerk the week after she died. I was going to read them at her memorial service. It was too hard though. Too strange. My grandmother was a hard woman to love sometimes, but when I think of all the things she was, and did, it is easy to remember why I loved her. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I thought I should share the words I had for my grandma and why there will never be anyone else like her for me:

I remember when I was about seven, and Grandma was already a volunteer at Sacred Heart Hospital I used to spend some of her Fridays volunteering right along with her at the hospital, running equipment to different floors.

I already felt really cool because it seemed to me I was doing a really grown up job, but Grandma made me feel even more special by making an identical smock like the one the hospital issued to her. She even stitched my name on the lapel. We were a team, in our matching peach colored volunteer uniforms and that memory will always be dear to me.

Grandma paid attention to the details, she took pleasure in the small things, she delighted in the things that many would find simple or mundane. Animals, flowers, even the smallest insect was something that she could find beauty in. As a little girl I remember that she took the time to teach me the names and qualities of all the different flowers.

We all know of her love for animals. The Animal Channel was on constant rotation in her living room. She would actually buy peanuts whenever she went grocery shopping, bring them home and rinse them off because she knew squirrels preferred them that way.

I will miss her newspaper clippings, listening to her stories, I will miss all the recipes that were her own and treasure the few I actually took the time to write down. I miss sitting in her garden and visiting the flea market with her, making sure to stop at every table.

There are so many things that made my grandmother loved, there are so many talents that went unseen, unnutured, and a million luxuries she deserved to have.

In the sorrow of losing Grandma this past week, I have had moments of great joy for her. I believe she is young and beautiful, that she is experiencing happiness she never fully received here on Earth. I believe she is now the lucky one because she will never feel physical or emotional pain again, and for this I am grateful.

Above all, I know she is aware of the outpouring of love for her and the reunion that is, and hopefully will continue, to take place between the people she loved so much, as a result of our love for her.

The endless questions

So. My father died last year on April 13th. Some of you may know the story and some may not. All I know is it doesn't seem like a whole year has passed. I am still not sure what to feel. I'm certainly not writing for the sympathy. I never really knew him and what I knew I hated for so long. But...at the end of it all, I'm left with this numbness. This not knowing if my lifetime of emotions and pain over him was mispent. I wonder if I could have been different, or been healed of the hurt long ago if I had just forgiven him earlier. I don't know...I won't ever. When someone dies and you never had a chance to work out all of the "kinks"...then what. It's like a puzzle with a missing piece you can never have back. There will always be this unanswered question for me. I'm not saying I made the wrong choices. I don't regret who I am or what I have chosen to feel....I know that God, my true and only real father knows my heart. But...sometimes I think if I had adored him and could truly just mourn him it would hurt less.

Moving mishaps and a little good-bye for now

So rewind one week back. I was cheerfully planning my move into my cute new urban studio. I planned to move in this past Monday. My application had been approved, my deposit had been accepted, my moving crew assembled, my utilities changed over and the apartment and my furniture carefully measured. I had been calling the management company for a week (with no call back) to try and set aside a time that I might sign my rental agreement and arrange to get my keys. Then last Wednesday night I received a voicemail telling me that the leasing agent (who by the way no longer works there) that had rented the apartment to me had failed to mention this to the company and they, as a result, had also rented the apartment (MY APARTMENT!!!) to someone else and that, at that very moment there was someone else already living there. And to make matters worse, they simply said, "Ooops sorry, we feel real bad, but you can have your money back." Um...what??

I was devastated, as you can imagine, not just because I fell in love with this place, but because, 2 business days before my impending move, I was told that I had nowhere to move. I cried for like a good hour and then (once I gained my composure) left the most intimidating, infuriated message I could muster on their company voicemail. So...I won't give you the entire story...BUT:

After a lot of hell raising (which, by the way I hate doing, because I really am a nice, peace-loving person) they gave me a deal. I could live in another apartment, at a different complex, for a month rent-free and then they would move me (AGAIN) into a one bedroom apartment at the original complex, for the same price of the studio. I have to be out of my current apartment this week and the reason I can't move to the other complex is because there is nothing available now. And the reason I can't stay at this temporary pad is that it is too expensive, even if they give me a big discount.

It's sad though, cause this new temporary place is fab-u-lous!!! It is so awesome. My heart is going to break when I leave it. It has beautiful hardwoods, a huge kitchen, a fireplace with a built in hutch above, a walk in closet in the bedroom and a full basement, all it's own. It is so friggin nice! But alas...just a quick rest stop in the comedy that is my moving experience.

Anyway...starting tomorrow I will be cable-less and computer-less for a month. So no American Idol and no blogging for me. I will be so sad...I will be having withdrawals. And I will miss my little online community so much! But...I will be exercising instead, so maybe that is just enough time to start up a new good habit. Wish me luck with all of it and I will see you all next month!! Muah...

My photos...for your viewing pleasure (hopefully!!)

Well folks...here is a sampling of some of my photography thus far. For some reason I couldn't scan good copies of these until now...but here it is finally. Can't wait to shoot more, learn more, do something with this passion!! But at least I got some stuff of my own up for all to see. Hope you like these ;)

East coast musings

Well...I'm back from visiting Joy in her new hometown. It was sooooo wonderful to spend time with her...laughing mostly, contemplative conversation as always. That was a "joy" truly, no pun intended.

So...you want to know how the trip was itself. Well....it was an experience for sure. I had no idea before arriving, that Baltimore is ranked the 3rd most dangerous city in the United States in terms of violent crime. But...it seemed that once there everything served as a reminder of that title. I cannot tell you how many times we were warned (by any and everyone) with grave seriousness to "be very careful" when simply sightseeing. I have few pictures to develop because I was scared to pull out my camera, for fear of targeting myself as a tourist. Joy relayed a story of when she first moved and pulled out a map on a city street and a woman rushed over to her and pleaded to let her help her find something..."but for God's sake don't pull that map out again" or the time a knife fight broke out on her busride home from work. It was comical in some ways just how "not from here" the two of us appeared.

Don't get me wrong...it was a really good trip, but it really gave me a picture that life is very different there and that simply smiling at someone you pass on the street is something we take for granted here. I had some great food...lived it up at a gay bar, saw the Baltimore inner harbor, got to see the Capitol Building and the buildings of the Smithsonian in Washington, DC, spent some very enjoyable time with the family that Joy is living with, and most importantly caught up on very missed sister time with her. She is looking great and becoming independent and self assured and I am so proud of her!!!!

Sometimes everything pisses me off!

Posted this on my MySpace....thought I would share it here as well..

So...I am sick at home today and bored. Have no inspiration for a blog so thought I would throw out some things that irritate me to no end!!!!!

1. Men who take those "web cam" photos for their online profiles. Please, find a friend with a camera. In case you aren't sure, these sort of shots make you look like you should be on the most current sex offender list.

2. People on the freeway who drive EXACTLY the speed limit and refuse to get out of the fast lane.

3. People on the freeway who ride my ass when I am already driving 7-10 miles above the speed limit. If you need to go faster than that.... go the f*ck around me! (Yes, I expect you to be perfect on the road like me...haha)

4. Stupid, ignorant comments like..."While you're in this country, speak English please!" Take your ass to Mexico for vacation and learn to speak fluent Spanish first then. If you say bigoted things like that you might as well sport a bumper sticker that says "Keep America White". Times they are a changin' folks.

5. The fact that thousands of talentless people can get record contracts and reality TV shows, while brilliant artists bust their ass and get nowhere is beyond me.

6. The fact that, although I get a federal and state tax return, I have to turn around and pay half of it back for a county tax...WTF!?!

7. Bratty kids. If you don't know how your kids got this way I can't help you.

8. Sean Combs...Puff Daddy, P. Diddy....I can't stand you whatever your name is.

9. When you smile and say hi to someone and they don't reciprocate. What is up with that??

10. Pineapple on pizza. Hey this is my list and I ran out of things to bitch about, so there!

Just another dumb blonde serving coffee

So, I have been perusing MySpace. This site can literally suck up hours of your time if you let it. Because, unlike Blogger.com, it's members are searchable by fairly specific information, such as what high school you went to, first and/or last names...etc. So, anyway I checked out the alumni from my high school, then out of slight curiosity and immense boredom, I looked at the alumni from the high schools my junior high classmates graduated from. I hated junior high school. I was poor compared to my label conscious peers. Bi-racial in a sea of white kids. And horribly shy. I wasn't shunned like some kids, but quite a few kids were shitty to me on a regular basis. It made me even more shy and a pretty self conscious teenager, but fifteen (or so) years later, I couldn't give a rats ass about these kids....but as I said, curiosity got the best of me. I stumbled upon one of the worst culprits of my adolescence memories. She is still, just as she was even then, a blond bombshell, but dumb as dirt. Making her living as a coffee slinger these days...and she seems to be just as shallow as she was all of those years ago and still semi-illiterate. For my pleasure, I have cut and pasted one of her random blogs, complete with original typos, so as to illustrate that beauty is only skin deep in this case:

"ok i have been verry patient and calm as i can , but last weekend was it! i had the big fat wagon pull in to order extreamly sweet and fatty mocha breves, they where about 300 lbs each "thiese terrable people" and they stood there ordering verry sweet mochas in the breve form [ to those of you whom dont know what a breve is its a normal espresso drink only made with half and half insted if whole or skinnymilk, ] "this is verry grose" and its about a week worth of callories in one magicall cup. anyways its the worst thing that i think is making america ugly.......fat...fat....fat.........., i guess you could say i havent the patience for such people ......but wait there is a punch line , after ordering 3 a piece per persion and running bills as high as $25.00 a tab . no fucking tip no change no bills? "YOU FAT ASSES SUCK AND YOU WILL DIE VERRY YOUNG AND I WILL STAY SUPERIOR BECAUSE IM MAKING YOU FATTER AND YOU WILL LOSE YOUR HUSBANDS BECAUSE THEY ARE SICK OF WAKING UP NEXT TO YOUR FAT ASSES AND I WILL STAY SMALL BUT TALL SKINNY AND SMART AND YOU WILL ONE DAY WISH YOU HAD DIED @ BIRTH "

Of course, she did spell heroin correctly when she referred to herself in her profile as "slim to heroin shiek", although I'm pretty sure shiek is spelled...chic, but whatever at least she got the important word right.