Belated Expectations

So something happened last night that was very surreal. I was curious about my impending 10-year reunion (which I doubt I will attend, but whatever), so I decided to go to my highschool website. I had never checked it out before, but you can go to this section called "alumni" and search for classmates that have put posts on the site. So I looked up my class, 1996. Then I looked up Matt...and lo and behold his email address was there.

Matt is, for those of you that don't know, the inspiration for all of my shitty highschool poetry and aforementioned teenage angst (see my very first post.) He was "that" guy. The one you never totally get over. Or maybe that's just me? Who knows? My friends and family know how disgustingly sentimental and emotional I can be, so maybe it's just me that never got totally over a boy she met 10 years ago and hasn't seen for at least half that time.

Anyway, I emailed him (of course) and even sent him the link to this blog. Then I went to bed wondering. Does he even ever read his email? Would he care to see that I sent him one? And all those other things you might wonder about the first boy you loved. See the thing is...it's sad. I have had a couple shitty relationships, and my heart has been trampled on, and now as a result of fear from that happening again, I am chronically single. So for years, when I was feeling melancholy, Matt was who I thought about. I always hoped that he was somewhere feeling equally melancholy, thinking about me. Thinking that I was "the one that got away", and hoping that someday our paths would cross again. I wrote him letters over the years, and sent them to his father's address, believing that he would read them and realize what he had lost in me. But my letters were always unanswered. So, I would stop from time to time and "give-up". However me, always the romantic, ever the optimist would try and try again (never realizing that instead of looking like the sentimental, romantic, I might turn out looking like the obsessive psycho...just an unfortunate side-effect, and of course totally not the case I assure you all.) I realized finally after many dashed attempts, that it was simply not meant to be. (So I am a little slow, so what.) And even then, a little flame of hope in my heart, weak as it may have been, continued to burn for a time, even after I gave up on the letters...until finally it stopped altogether.

Mind you, I am not suggesting this has opened up the floodgates or anything. Honestly. It is the first time in years that I feel somewhat detatched. Curious, perhaps...but definitely not that schoolgirl kind of hopefullness I used to have. I absolutely would love to hear from Matt, don't get me wrong. Just like so many other people in my past, and especially him, I miss the friendship most of all. But, time has a way of changing so much. It can bring new love, children, heartbreak, newfound spirituality and so many things, it is unimaginable how one might have changed over the years. I guess one of the things that has changed in me, is that I try now not to imagine, or expect for my life to turn out a certain way, because when you do that, put limitations on yourself, on others, you will be very disappointed when life gives you something else. And worst of all, we limit what life and more importantly, what God may have waiting for us ahead.